woo wee waa yoo yaa yee ( this isn't a "im leaving da community" post btw )
i rarely open up in a really woefully true way to the people of this gmod dark rp with a hl2 skin community but i feel as if there's nowhere else for me to return when i feel awfully suicidal like this. funny someone that someone like'd me feel like that, cha-cha-cha
wouldn't really consider this so personal as a lot of the cases are public, just not really connected to me specifically. you can definitely see my name connected to a lot of them though if you researched (i'd prefer if you didn't!). that sounds really cryptic oops i should explain. recently, but it's also been happen for a while, people i used to be really close friends or at least good pals with have been exposed as pedophiles, or nonces i guess you guys would call them. grooming people online, sending nude images to minors, just being fucking weirdos. i've known these people for so long and as such good fucking people and friends, i would've never expected them to be those disgusting creatures they've turnt out to be. i don't express it much here but to say it as honestly as possible without seeming like i'm virtue signaling, i despite pedophiles with every inch of my being. the reason why is a little more personal and i won't elaborate on it but i'm sure everyone would agree about pedophiles being the worst fucking things this planet's ever spawned. so many of my friends have been outed as pedophiles that i have legitimate anxiety that anyone i know is like one of them. i can hardly fucking trust anyone anymore if i'm being honest. people who seem like they're not awful turn out to be just fucking despicable fucking disgusting husks. no matter how close i am or personal they are or how much they personally say they hate pedophiles, it turns out the contrary. i've broken down in tears multiple times now because of them being outed and constantly being reminded of my previous friends, every time a new one is outed i feel myself disconnect from reality and any of my other friends, i feel like i can't even relate to people on a personal level anymore. anyone can be a pedophile and it's starting to fucking eat me up. it's driving me insane, i can't fucking take it anymore let alone understand how anyone can fucking joke about it. people make fucking jokes to my face about it, how all my friends turn out to be pedophiles, even accusing me because of the people i hang around ALWAYS BECOMING LIKE THIS as i fucking choose to hang around them because they're like that. there's nothing i can fucking do. no matter how many times i confront them, no matter what i fucking do, they just turn into those fucking monsters on a dime. i feel stuck in a loop, it feels so hopeless. it's just adding onto everything fucking terrible in my life leading me to wanna take it and just end it all and my suffering. i just have to fucking deal with this shit encroaching on my happiness and feeding off of my life, i have to deal with this all and there's physically fucking nothing i can do about it. pedophile's not some fucking disease, i can't create a goddamned cure for this. it's stuck in their heads and it's never leaving. i'm just fucking stuck with this, it'll never go away
most of this bullshit started earlier this year when one of my best friends, someone i was so close and personal with turned out to be grooming one of my other best fucking friends. he even introduced me to the minor he's been soliciting for sexual images of. i'll call the pedophile J and my friend N. i've known J for years, we were amazing friends and he was a great and funny guy to talk to, he created the discord server that me and a whole shit ton of my friends were in and we always just talked and had stupid amounts of fun. i finally got a chance to talk to them more as well as mostly it was just shits and giggles on twitter and the occasional discord dm. he soon invited N to the server and introduced me to him, immediately we became great pals. though, whenever J was around N, he acted weird in a creepy way until one really fucking awkward night where they were talking about sexuality in a really uncomfortable way with J obviously hitting on N despite him not really returning the feeling. i didn't know about anything going on at the time so i thought it was just a weird little thing i didn't understand. a while later, N told me all about it. J was grooming him to send him elicit images of himself. i know this is gonna sound like a joke but he was trying to get him to wear fucking thigh socks and act like an anime femboy. it fucking disgusted me when he told me about it, all i could think of was confronting J immediately and screaming my fucking lungs out at him. i confronted him some days later and he did nothing but fucking lie. he lied to me and two other friends, i'll call S and P. there was nothing i could do about it. S and P couldn't either. nobody trusted P because he was known almost as liar by everyone and S physically didn't want do, i guess. i was stuck at the bottom. if i said anything, fucking nobody would believe me because i'm me. nobody trusts me, nobody believes me, nobody fucking likes me. everyone thinks i'm some fucking schizophrenic, that fault entirely on me. N didn't even want me to speak. he just wanted me to know. i stayed in the server not only to interact with everyone else there but because i needed to watch J closely to make sure he wasn't lying about N, that he did. i pretended i believed him. it made me sick to my fucking stomach to had to pretend to like someone like fucking that. i couldn't take it. i constantly acted passive-aggressive towards him in a really hateful fucking matter, i hoped someone would notice and try to ask, but i was just so hopeless. everyone just thought i was being a dick for no reason. not only did i have to live with knowing someone who used to be my best friend was a pedophile or that he groomed someone else i was close to, but i had to constantly bare being called a horrible person by my friendgroup. i was so desperate to just end my goddamned life or just say something and risk being pushed out of every friend circle. it all boiled the fuck over when one of my friends god i keep saying friends like i'm a child but whatever one of my friends i'll call H started interacting with J. she's trans, if you don't support trans people please go fuck yourself. she's a really friendly person and they both started talking a lot. knowing J had a legitimate trans fetish made me anxious, but to see him start fucking hitting on her when he wasn't even 18 at the time made me fucking violent. all i could mother fucking do was watch as my absolute best fucking friend almost fell down that same fucking pit. i knew H for even longer, around 4 years i'm pretty sure. all i could think about fucking strangling him if i had the ability to. i felt like i was fucking stuck watching as my closest goddamned fucking friend was nearly fucking groomed by this pedophile. fucking luckily N called him out before i hung myself. almost immediately everyone turned against J. it was like finally seeing a fantasy i've dreamed of so many times in my head become a reality. N finally got what he needed, some resolution for the pedophile who lied and manipulated people all this fucking time. i finally got to end that fucking torture on my life. i felt free for once.
this is more recent but not the most recent. one of my good pals, pretty fucking ironically from that same friend group, was outed as a pedophile who was grooming a 13 year old. unlike the J situation i didn't know up until the allegations came out. i have nothing more to say about this. all i could do is cry. i confronted him, who IRONICALLY ALSO IS GOING TO BE CALLED J tried to defend himself. of course grooming a 13 year old isn't too goddamned good. it ended with him just leaving the internet. on that day i burst out crying to myself. all this bullshit, i couldn't handle a single bit. he came back later to try to defend himself yet again, only digging a larger goddamn hole for himself. in the process, another one of my friends defended him. turns out, that guy's also a pedophile. fucking awesome. fucking incredibly awesome huh? the day he came back and tried to defend myself is probably one of my worst breakdowns. in the middle of a vc i got stuck in a fucking laughing fit until i eventually curled up at my desk and started bawling my eyes out like a fucking maniac. everyone just awkwardly had to move to another channel while i was crying uncontrollably. life fucking sucks
now, just happening a couple of FUCKING HOURS AGO, one of my OTHER GOOD FFUCKINGIF FRIENDS was just fucking outed as a pedophile, sending a fucking minor nudes of himself. now i'm fucking numb. i wanna cry but i fucking can't. i can't even fucking talk to him. i can't bring myself to do anything but write this and feel so fucking angry. im so fucking numb right now i can't fcking handle it. writing this has gotten me heated up but it's making me feel ever so slightly fucking better. i just can't take this shit. the examples i've given isn't even all of the fucking cases, just the ones that effected me the most. i'm at a loss. i don't know what to do. this is fucking uncontrollable it's getting out of fucking hand. i dont know what to do anymore. im sorry for venting like this. i needed fucking somewhere to turn. im sorry.
[doublepost=1603563328][/doublepost]AND IT TURNS OUT ANOTHER FRIEND OF MY WAS DOING SEXUAL SHIT WITH A 12 YEAR OLD AND DEFENDED THE GUY FROM THE LAST PART IM SORRY IF IT LOOKS LIKE IM FUCKING STUPID BUT I CANT TAKE THIS
i rarely open up in a really woefully true way to the people of this gmod dark rp with a hl2 skin community but i feel as if there's nowhere else for me to return when i feel awfully suicidal like this. funny someone that someone like'd me feel like that, cha-cha-cha
wouldn't really consider this so personal as a lot of the cases are public, just not really connected to me specifically. you can definitely see my name connected to a lot of them though if you researched (i'd prefer if you didn't!). that sounds really cryptic oops i should explain. recently, but it's also been happen for a while, people i used to be really close friends or at least good pals with have been exposed as pedophiles, or nonces i guess you guys would call them. grooming people online, sending nude images to minors, just being fucking weirdos. i've known these people for so long and as such good fucking people and friends, i would've never expected them to be those disgusting creatures they've turnt out to be. i don't express it much here but to say it as honestly as possible without seeming like i'm virtue signaling, i despite pedophiles with every inch of my being. the reason why is a little more personal and i won't elaborate on it but i'm sure everyone would agree about pedophiles being the worst fucking things this planet's ever spawned. so many of my friends have been outed as pedophiles that i have legitimate anxiety that anyone i know is like one of them. i can hardly fucking trust anyone anymore if i'm being honest. people who seem like they're not awful turn out to be just fucking despicable fucking disgusting husks. no matter how close i am or personal they are or how much they personally say they hate pedophiles, it turns out the contrary. i've broken down in tears multiple times now because of them being outed and constantly being reminded of my previous friends, every time a new one is outed i feel myself disconnect from reality and any of my other friends, i feel like i can't even relate to people on a personal level anymore. anyone can be a pedophile and it's starting to fucking eat me up. it's driving me insane, i can't fucking take it anymore let alone understand how anyone can fucking joke about it. people make fucking jokes to my face about it, how all my friends turn out to be pedophiles, even accusing me because of the people i hang around ALWAYS BECOMING LIKE THIS as i fucking choose to hang around them because they're like that. there's nothing i can fucking do. no matter how many times i confront them, no matter what i fucking do, they just turn into those fucking monsters on a dime. i feel stuck in a loop, it feels so hopeless. it's just adding onto everything fucking terrible in my life leading me to wanna take it and just end it all and my suffering. i just have to fucking deal with this shit encroaching on my happiness and feeding off of my life, i have to deal with this all and there's physically fucking nothing i can do about it. pedophile's not some fucking disease, i can't create a goddamned cure for this. it's stuck in their heads and it's never leaving. i'm just fucking stuck with this, it'll never go away
most of this bullshit started earlier this year when one of my best friends, someone i was so close and personal with turned out to be grooming one of my other best fucking friends. he even introduced me to the minor he's been soliciting for sexual images of. i'll call the pedophile J and my friend N. i've known J for years, we were amazing friends and he was a great and funny guy to talk to, he created the discord server that me and a whole shit ton of my friends were in and we always just talked and had stupid amounts of fun. i finally got a chance to talk to them more as well as mostly it was just shits and giggles on twitter and the occasional discord dm. he soon invited N to the server and introduced me to him, immediately we became great pals. though, whenever J was around N, he acted weird in a creepy way until one really fucking awkward night where they were talking about sexuality in a really uncomfortable way with J obviously hitting on N despite him not really returning the feeling. i didn't know about anything going on at the time so i thought it was just a weird little thing i didn't understand. a while later, N told me all about it. J was grooming him to send him elicit images of himself. i know this is gonna sound like a joke but he was trying to get him to wear fucking thigh socks and act like an anime femboy. it fucking disgusted me when he told me about it, all i could think of was confronting J immediately and screaming my fucking lungs out at him. i confronted him some days later and he did nothing but fucking lie. he lied to me and two other friends, i'll call S and P. there was nothing i could do about it. S and P couldn't either. nobody trusted P because he was known almost as liar by everyone and S physically didn't want do, i guess. i was stuck at the bottom. if i said anything, fucking nobody would believe me because i'm me. nobody trusts me, nobody believes me, nobody fucking likes me. everyone thinks i'm some fucking schizophrenic, that fault entirely on me. N didn't even want me to speak. he just wanted me to know. i stayed in the server not only to interact with everyone else there but because i needed to watch J closely to make sure he wasn't lying about N, that he did. i pretended i believed him. it made me sick to my fucking stomach to had to pretend to like someone like fucking that. i couldn't take it. i constantly acted passive-aggressive towards him in a really hateful fucking matter, i hoped someone would notice and try to ask, but i was just so hopeless. everyone just thought i was being a dick for no reason. not only did i have to live with knowing someone who used to be my best friend was a pedophile or that he groomed someone else i was close to, but i had to constantly bare being called a horrible person by my friendgroup. i was so desperate to just end my goddamned life or just say something and risk being pushed out of every friend circle. it all boiled the fuck over when one of my friends god i keep saying friends like i'm a child but whatever one of my friends i'll call H started interacting with J. she's trans, if you don't support trans people please go fuck yourself. she's a really friendly person and they both started talking a lot. knowing J had a legitimate trans fetish made me anxious, but to see him start fucking hitting on her when he wasn't even 18 at the time made me fucking violent. all i could mother fucking do was watch as my absolute best fucking friend almost fell down that same fucking pit. i knew H for even longer, around 4 years i'm pretty sure. all i could think about fucking strangling him if i had the ability to. i felt like i was fucking stuck watching as my closest goddamned fucking friend was nearly fucking groomed by this pedophile. fucking luckily N called him out before i hung myself. almost immediately everyone turned against J. it was like finally seeing a fantasy i've dreamed of so many times in my head become a reality. N finally got what he needed, some resolution for the pedophile who lied and manipulated people all this fucking time. i finally got to end that fucking torture on my life. i felt free for once.
this is more recent but not the most recent. one of my good pals, pretty fucking ironically from that same friend group, was outed as a pedophile who was grooming a 13 year old. unlike the J situation i didn't know up until the allegations came out. i have nothing more to say about this. all i could do is cry. i confronted him, who IRONICALLY ALSO IS GOING TO BE CALLED J tried to defend himself. of course grooming a 13 year old isn't too goddamned good. it ended with him just leaving the internet. on that day i burst out crying to myself. all this bullshit, i couldn't handle a single bit. he came back later to try to defend himself yet again, only digging a larger goddamn hole for himself. in the process, another one of my friends defended him. turns out, that guy's also a pedophile. fucking awesome. fucking incredibly awesome huh? the day he came back and tried to defend myself is probably one of my worst breakdowns. in the middle of a vc i got stuck in a fucking laughing fit until i eventually curled up at my desk and started bawling my eyes out like a fucking maniac. everyone just awkwardly had to move to another channel while i was crying uncontrollably. life fucking sucks
now, just happening a couple of FUCKING HOURS AGO, one of my OTHER GOOD FFUCKINGIF FRIENDS was just fucking outed as a pedophile, sending a fucking minor nudes of himself. now i'm fucking numb. i wanna cry but i fucking can't. i can't even fucking talk to him. i can't bring myself to do anything but write this and feel so fucking angry. im so fucking numb right now i can't fcking handle it. writing this has gotten me heated up but it's making me feel ever so slightly fucking better. i just can't take this shit. the examples i've given isn't even all of the fucking cases, just the ones that effected me the most. i'm at a loss. i don't know what to do. this is fucking uncontrollable it's getting out of fucking hand. i dont know what to do anymore. im sorry for venting like this. i needed fucking somewhere to turn. im sorry.
[doublepost=1603563328][/doublepost]AND IT TURNS OUT ANOTHER FRIEND OF MY WAS DOING SEXUAL SHIT WITH A 12 YEAR OLD AND DEFENDED THE GUY FROM THE LAST PART IM SORRY IF IT LOOKS LIKE IM FUCKING STUPID BUT I CANT TAKE THIS
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