Battling cancer; a deeper look into what it's like.

[Señor Jaggles]

usually i don't voice shit like this because in all honesty i very rarely have to

cancer really does make you realise a lot of things, im sure that's a line you've all heard a thousand times but you really don't understand the extent of it until you live it

i dont care if the cancer comes back; fuck it, let it - i'll send it back to the depths of hell like i did the first time, i really couldn't give a flying fuck. i'm not scared of it coming back, i rarely think about it

but yknow what actually made me cry not 10 minutes ago, out of all things? my dogs.

if the cancer were to come back and it did kill me, they wouldn't know what happened. no one can tell them that this is the last time they're going to see me, no one can tell them that they can't just wait by the door like they always do, no one can tell them that they wont ever get to lay in bed with me at night ever again

it fucking astounds me that the one thing that actually manages to break me in all of it is that. i didnt cry when i found out, didnt cry while i was dealing with it, i didnt cry afterward; but when i'm faced with the proposition that my dogs wouldnt know i'm not coming home, it fucking does me in straight away

fuck cancer if it thinks its gonna win, fuck cancer if it thinks its gonna take me away from my babies or anyone else

if it ever does decide to come back i'm gonna fight to my last fucking breath and it isn't gonna win

these two faces are my fuel and fuck whatever thinks it can take me away from them

These guys are always our main source of worry, I can't stop thinking about weird scenarios when I'm worried about my cat. I just want to give her the chance the world decided not to give her - Ever since we adopted her she's been so clingy I ever worry about having to forcefully part ways. I really hope she can live to be old and happy, and that I can give her a warm, cozy place to call home for all of her life.

I am so glad you have these two guys to keep you alive, and that you're there for them, they're really lucky they have you. I very rarely say it but I am really happy and grateful you returned, and that you've recovered.

 

[Trains]

we were talking about this kinda stuff the other day and you’re a living legend subeh, but i get where you’re coming from because holy shit the only thing that truly worries me about dying is what i leave behind

i’m sure you won’t die from this if it ever comes back considering you’re such a gigachad but fuck it’s sad to think about a know

you’ll get through this, ma long lost cousin

 

[florek]

@Subeh

I'm honestly impressed brother. Reading your story like this and admiring how you came out on top of this bestiality.

I'm also currently coping with an abundance of strange symptoms that I - and apparantly also the Doctors - are unable to pinpoint. I just came from a checkup on my thyroid with ultrasound, had blood drawn once again, and the specialist said that my thyroid is completely fine. There's nothing suspicious about it.

Though symptoms like fatigue, tiredness, quick exhaustion, constipation, randomly occuring stomache aches (sometimes batchwise) with nausea and increased heart rates are driving me fucking insane. Just yesterday I had to hit up my GP to get the transfer papers for my specialist today, and the distance I cycled is usually managable for me. It'll make me go out of breath occassionally, but it was never as bad as this time.

When I got back half way from my Doctor, I nearly collapsed at my doorstep and had to sit down for like 30 minutes cause my heart was pounding out my chest and I felt so dizzy. When I eventually scrambled up 2 floors and sat down, I felt so fucking nauseas and my stomach was feeling like someone's pulling around on the inside.

I'm sort of worried that I might have yet to be discovered symptoms for intestinal cancer or something with my heart. It's not only that, I also have chest pain every now and then, and it's all confusing the hell out of me.

I have another appointment with my Doctor soon because they'll tell me the results of my second blood test from today, and I'll sure to bring this up to her, because I just want to find out what the fuck is going on with my body. It's not normal.

 

[Señor Jaggles]

@Subeh

I'm honestly impressed brother. Reading your story like this and admiring how you came out on top of this bestiality.

I'm also currently coping with an abundance of strange symptoms that I - and apparantly also the Doctors - are unable to pinpoint. I just came from a checkup on my thyroid with ultrasound, had blood drawn once again, and the specialist said that my thyroid is completely fine. There's nothing suspicious about it.

Though symptoms like fatigue, tiredness, quick exhaustion, constipation, randomly occuring stomache aches (sometimes batchwise) with nausea and increased heart rates are driving me fucking insane. Just yesterday I had to hit up my GP to get the transfer papers for my specialist today, and the distance I cycled is usually managable for me. It'll make me go out of breath occassionally, but it was never as bad as this time.

When I got back half way from my Doctor, I nearly collapsed at my doorstep and had to sit down for like 30 minutes cause my heart was pounding out my chest and I felt so dizzy. When I eventually scrambled up 2 floors and sat down, I felt so fucking nauseas and my stomach was feeling like someone's pulling around on the inside.

I'm sort of worried that I might have yet to be discovered symptoms for intestinal cancer or something with my heart. It's not only that, I also have chest pain every now and then, and it's all confusing the hell out of me.

I have another appointment with my Doctor soon because they'll tell me the results of my second blood test from today, and I'll sure to bring this up to her, because I just want to find out what the fuck is going on with my body. It's not normal.

I really hope they manage to pinpoint whatever happens to you dude, and that you have a quick recovery. It sounds weird, but getting tired really fast, and having your heart rate go up like that sounds dangerous. I really hope it's just something that can be swiftly solved and dealt with.

 

[florek]

I really hope they manage to pinpoint whatever happens to you dude, and that you have a quick recovery. It sounds weird, but getting tired really fast, and having your heart rate go up like that sounds dangerous. I really hope it's just something that can be swiftly solved and dealt with.

Thanks man, it's appreciated. It's giving me a struggle day in and out. I can't even do sports properly because I feel like I'm going to just tip over and that's it. Fuck it, if my Doctor can't get it done, I'll go to another. I'll keep hitting up different docs until someone finds something, cause I ain't going to succumb to no fucking disease.

 

[Powley]

usually i don't voice shit like this because in all honesty i very rarely have to

cancer really does make you realise a lot of things, im sure that's a line you've all heard a thousand times but you really don't understand the extent of it until you live it

i dont care if the cancer comes back; fuck it, let it - i'll send it back to the depths of hell like i did the first time, i really couldn't give a flying fuck. i'm not scared of it coming back, i rarely think about it

but yknow what actually made me cry not 10 minutes ago, out of all things? my dogs.

if the cancer were to come back and it did kill me, they wouldn't know what happened. no one can tell them that this is the last time they're going to see me, no one can tell them that they can't just wait by the door like they always do, no one can tell them that they wont ever get to lay in bed with me at night ever again

it fucking astounds me that the one thing that actually manages to break me in all of it is that. i didnt cry when i found out, didnt cry while i was dealing with it, i didnt cry afterward; but when i'm faced with the proposition that my dogs wouldnt know i'm not coming home, it fucking does me in straight away

fuck cancer if it thinks its gonna win, fuck cancer if it thinks its gonna take me away from my babies or anyone else

if it ever does decide to come back i'm gonna fight to my last fucking breath and it isn't gonna win

these two faces are my fuel and fuck whatever thinks it can take me away from them

Take comfort in the fact your body could sustain these dogs for atleast one to two weeks, enough yinr for someone to realise you're missing

 

['77 East]

Though symptoms like fatigue, tiredness, quick exhaustion, constipation, randomly occuring stomache aches (sometimes batchwise) with nausea and increased heart rates are driving me fucking insane. Just yesterday I had to hit up my GP to get the transfer papers for my specialist today, and the distance I cycled is usually managable for me. It'll make me go out of breath occassionally, but it was never as bad as this time.

You having issues with lactose?

I'd run a few checks for it if I were you, same base issues and it tends to go undiagnosed, can really fuck you over for life if it's there and undetected.

 

[florek]

You having issues with lactose?

I'd run a few checks for it if I were you, same base issues and it tends to go undiagnosed, can really fuck you over for life if it's there and undetected.

I've been eating milk products for as long as I can remember, never had any issues with it. There were some moments where I drank some Müllermilch (basically flavoured, pre-made milk drink) and it gave me stomach cramps and diarrhea, and my Doctor said it could be because of certain industrial sugar types that I can't handle, though it only happens occassionally, not every time.

If I eat yoghurts, cereal with milk or anything of the like, I never experience any trouble.

I didn't drink any flavoured milk at that day, however.

 

[The Milkman]

I've been eating milk products for as long as I can remember, never had any issues with it. There were some moments where I drank some Müllermilch (basically flavoured, pre-made milk drink) and it gave me stomach cramps and diarrhea, and my Doctor said it could be because of certain industrial sugar types that I can't handle, though it only happens occassionally, not every time.

If I eat yoghurts, cereal with milk or anything of the like, I never experience any trouble.

I didn't drink any flavoured milk at that day, however.

It's because you didn't drink any of The Milkman's patented milk.

 

[Señor Jaggles]

If I eat yoghurts, cereal with milk or anything of the like, I never experience any trouble.

Certain lactose intolerant people can stand yoghourts and similar without having any issues (so long as they don't go overboard). However, by the symptoms you described (lack of breath after minor exercise, extremely high heartbeat, near loss of consciousness, etc) it could even be arrhythmia for all we mortals know, so I'd say run as many checks and doctors as you can, it's hard for them to pinpoint these things, so it's nearly impossible for us. Some of the medical staff who RP here may be able to help you with it but even so there's a reason why patients go see the doctors in person and not through a Zoom call.

 

[florek]

Certain lactose intolerant people can stand yoghourts and similar without having any issues (so long as they don't go overboard). However, by the symptoms you described (lack of breath after minor exercise, extremely high heartbeat, near loss of consciousness, etc) it could even be arrhythmia for all we mortals know, so I'd say run as many checks and doctors as you can, it's hard for them to pinpoint these things, so it's nearly impossible for us. Some of the medical staff who RP here may be able to help you with it but even so there's a reason why patients go see the doctors in person and not through a Zoom call.

Yeah man, I really appreciate the words and advice.

As I said, I'll get the results of my second blood test in a few days, and then I'll tell her about the incident and see if she'll check on my heart/stomach. There was one occurance decades back in primary school, at lunch, when my heart suddenly started to beat gradually faster and faster and it made me sick, so much even, that I had to be sent home.

Though that only happened once during this one day and now, almost 12-13 years later, never again. I wonder if it's connected for some odd reason, cause when I was younger, I didn't have any of these issues and was also quite fit and athletic.

 

[Deleted member 38]

yknow i sat here and moped about the other day about what really effects me about this shit and i realised it was probably a bit too morbid for my liking

so yknow what? fuck it - what's the best feeling? what leaves me fuckin satisfied, happy and motivated about it?

Progress. Yeah sure you'd think hearing that the cancer isn't there anymore is great and it is, but that's not what i love the most - yesterday, i managed to beat my last time on the treadmill by a small margin, and usually that wouldn't matter a whole lot but when your body's had chemotherapy running through it for months and it's been basically sapped of everything, that's fuckin great

i used to be a massive workout junkie; the kind of guy who'd push himself so far he'd have to sit down for 30 minutes afterward cus he's lightheaded and feels sick, and i genuinely fucking loved it. so when i get on the treadmill or do any kind of exercise and i'm able to do more than i was able to the day before, then that really is a fucking astounding feeling; it still feels like i'm telling cancer to go fuck itself sideways even today, and with every single bit of progress i make i feel like the middle finger gets bigger and bigger.

if there's anything that cancer took from me and i hate it the most for, it's my ability to exercise the utter shit out of myself and to know that i'm slowly regaining that back is honestly priceless.

there, counterbalanced with some good.

p.s. sabaton is fucking amazing workout music

 

[Rabid]

Thanks to @Subeh for letting me post here. I just thought I'd air everything out in a constructive place now, as I keep a lot in.

My nan is very likely going to pass away in the next few days. She's sleeping most of the day now and the doctors told us the closer to the end she got the more she'd sleep until she eventually just drifted away. Fortunately unlike most cancers there's no incredibly difficult-to-watch slow decline where things fail and she gets worse with bone cancer; this is basically how bad it'll get until the end - but none of us were prepared for just how rapidly she'd go downhill to get to this point.

It started a few weeks ago with her struggling to get on and off the bed. Due to her infections and meds she hasn't been the most lucid but that was manageable. But then she lost the ability to do that almost altogether - then she almost collapsed twice, to the point we had to hold her up (and at eighteen stone that isn't easy) to stop her hitting the floor. This is a woman with two busted legs who walks using sticks. Then it just kept going downhill before we managed to get her into the hospice she was in back in 2017 for a bit, not long after we got her diagnosis.

I'd say it was maybe just over a week and it was like she'd gone over a cliff going 180 from what was prior to that a very slow and almost 'comfortable' decline. Comparing her to how she was even in January when we thought she'd lose her legs again is impossible.

They said we had three to five years with her, given this time it was terminal. We've had almost four, with her having sold her house and us having looked after her all day every day for those three years. Our lives have basically been on hold to cater to hers - and I cannot describe how difficult it is, not just physically but emotionally. I can't put into words what she means to me and I've had to watch cancer take her knowing I couldn't do anything - only delay it with the drugs she took. The feeling is horrible and I hope nobody else has to go through with it. It was harder when her personality started to change - the once kind and nice woman kinda got lost amidst the confusion and drugs. She said and did shit she'd never have done to us in her right mind, y'know?

She's the strongest and most intelligent woman I know. Not once did she lay down and accept it. From the day we got the diagnosis to the day she went into the Hospice she kept pushing herself. She didn't give a fuck; she was going to live her life.

This isn't a post to get pity or anything - but cancer sucks, dudes. Cancer really sucks. I've been fortunate enough to not have it myself and I hope I never do but I've seen it fuck with two very important people in my life, one of them who fortunately got past it just fine. I know we're going to get a phone call soon saying she's gone and as relieved as I'll be she's not suffering, I'm not going to take it well. I'm going to miss her more than I can ever put into words.

Fucking cherish your family, guys. You only get the one and even if things are rough, you'll miss them when they aren't there.

 

[Deleted member 4425]

Thanks to @Subeh for letting me post here. I just thought I'd air everything out in a constructive place now, as I keep a lot in.

My nan is very likely going to pass away in the next few days. She's sleeping most of the day now and the doctors told us the closer to the end she got the more she'd sleep until she eventually just drifted away. Fortunately unlike most cancers there's no incredibly difficult-to-watch slow decline where things fail and she gets worse with bone cancer; this is basically how bad it'll get until the end - but none of us were prepared for just how rapidly she'd go downhill to get to this point.

It started a few weeks ago with her struggling to get on and off the bed. Due to her infections and meds she hasn't been the most lucid but that was manageable. But then she lost the ability to do that almost altogether - then she almost collapsed twice, to the point we had to hold her up (and at eighteen stone that isn't easy) to stop her hitting the floor. This is a woman with two busted legs who walks using sticks. Then it just kept going downhill before we managed to get her into the hospice she was in back in 2017 for a bit, not long after we got her diagnosis.

I'd say it was maybe just over a week and it was like she'd gone over a cliff going 180 from what was prior to that a very slow and almost 'comfortable' decline. Comparing her to how she was even in January when we thought she'd lose her legs again is impossible.

They said we had three to five years with her, given this time it was terminal. We've had almost four, with her having sold her house and us having looked after her all day every day for those three years. Our lives have basically been on hold to cater to hers - and I cannot describe how difficult it is, not just physically but emotionally. I can't put into words what she means to me and I've had to watch cancer take her knowing I couldn't do anything - only delay it with the drugs she took. The feeling is horrible and I hope nobody else has to go through with it. It was harder when her personality started to change - the once kind and nice woman kinda got lost amidst the confusion and drugs. She said and did shit she'd never have done to us in her right mind, y'know?

She's the strongest and most intelligent woman I know. Not once did she lay down and accept it. From the day we got the diagnosis to the day she went into the Hospice she kept pushing herself. She didn't give a fuck; she was going to live her life.

This isn't a post to get pity or anything - but cancer sucks, dudes. Cancer really sucks. I've been fortunate enough to not have it myself and I hope I never do but I've seen it fuck with two very important people in my life, one of them who fortunately got past it just fine. I know we're going to get a phone call soon saying she's gone and as relieved as I'll be she's not suffering, I'm not going to take it well. I'm going to miss her more than I can ever put into words.

Fucking cherish your family, guys. You only get the one and even if things are rough, you'll miss them when they aren't there.

I’ve got two grandfathers in a similar place, currently they can fend for themselves but I know the day will come when they cannot and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it

best wishes to you and your family, stay strong rabid

 

[Clokr]

I’ve got two grandfathers in a similar place, currently they can fend for themselves but I know the day will come when they cannot and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it

best wishes to you and your family, stay strong rabid

Thanks to @Subeh for letting me post here. I just thought I'd air everything out in a constructive place now, as I keep a lot in.

My nan is very likely going to pass away in the next few days. She's sleeping most of the day now and the doctors told us the closer to the end she got the more she'd sleep until she eventually just drifted away. Fortunately unlike most cancers there's no incredibly difficult-to-watch slow decline where things fail and she gets worse with bone cancer; this is basically how bad it'll get until the end - but none of us were prepared for just how rapidly she'd go downhill to get to this point.

It started a few weeks ago with her struggling to get on and off the bed. Due to her infections and meds she hasn't been the most lucid but that was manageable. But then she lost the ability to do that almost altogether - then she almost collapsed twice, to the point we had to hold her up (and at eighteen stone that isn't easy) to stop her hitting the floor. This is a woman with two busted legs who walks using sticks. Then it just kept going downhill before we managed to get her into the hospice she was in back in 2017 for a bit, not long after we got her diagnosis.

I'd say it was maybe just over a week and it was like she'd gone over a cliff going 180 from what was prior to that a very slow and almost 'comfortable' decline. Comparing her to how she was even in January when we thought she'd lose her legs again is impossible.

They said we had three to five years with her, given this time it was terminal. We've had almost four, with her having sold her house and us having looked after her all day every day for those three years. Our lives have basically been on hold to cater to hers - and I cannot describe how difficult it is, not just physically but emotionally. I can't put into words what she means to me and I've had to watch cancer take her knowing I couldn't do anything - only delay it with the drugs she took. The feeling is horrible and I hope nobody else has to go through with it. It was harder when her personality started to change - the once kind and nice woman kinda got lost amidst the confusion and drugs. She said and did shit she'd never have done to us in her right mind, y'know?

She's the strongest and most intelligent woman I know. Not once did she lay down and accept it. From the day we got the diagnosis to the day she went into the Hospice she kept pushing herself. She didn't give a fuck; she was going to live her life.

This isn't a post to get pity or anything - but cancer sucks, dudes. Cancer really sucks. I've been fortunate enough to not have it myself and I hope I never do but I've seen it fuck with two very important people in my life, one of them who fortunately got past it just fine. I know we're going to get a phone call soon saying she's gone and as relieved as I'll be she's not suffering, I'm not going to take it well. I'm going to miss her more than I can ever put into words.

Fucking cherish your family, guys. You only get the one and even if things are rough, you'll miss them when they aren't there.

This shit hit home hard man. When my grandfather went I was expecting it but I also wasn’t expecting it at all.

You say to yourself and think you’re prepared, but you never are man. I’m gettin myself to tear up again thinking about it but I like to think I got lucky with the memories of my grandfathers last day on this earth being sat down beside him on the gurney, holding his hand while he just looked at me with a smile.

It pained me beyond the point of any human based emotion to see him like that, pale as a ghost, hooked up to all these machines, barely sucking in air with a wet rag on his head. My fucking dumbass childish self thought he’d just get through it again like he had before. I so badly wanted to stay but they were shutting down the place cause a tornado was en route. My mom and grandma were nearly in tears too trying to stay but he used what energy he had left to yell at them to leave.

My final words and final action to him was “Dont worry man, I’ll come back to you. I’ll bring you home.” And a salute like I’d always give him.

He died that night on February 25th, 2017 at 7:00 PM sharp. Surrounded by nobody, in a place that stank of human shit, piss, and death. I used to and still do beat myself up about never being able to bring him home myself. But I hope he’s home now.

My father never got to say goodbye to his mom or dad. They died before he had time to arrive at the hospital.

The old man was sick all day today. His transfusions are beginning to really take their toll and it scares me still. It scares me to the core and I can’t even realize it. Some days I hope this is all one big sick fucking joke, then I wake up the next day and realize it isn’t. It’s real, I’m living it, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to accept it if he goes. I’m too frightened in the end to know what I’ll do. I just want him to be okay, to laugh and smile and walk like he used to. To look like what he used to before it happened. I want things to go back like how they were before granddad died, to go back to the time before I tried shooting myself in the head. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Not without those demons dragging me.

Enjoy your lives while you still have them. Try to enjoy your bliss while it remains infront of you, blinding you to it all. It blinded me and I can’t unsee it.

 

[Deleted member 38]

actually tempted to try and break my old distance record

I did it.

3 years after setting my personal distance record, I just broke it today; it took over two hours of walking, but I did it.

Jesus christ I can't explain how good this feels; to know that I did better than what I did last time, that's immeasurably valuable and I'm convinced that I'm just as capable as I was back then.

This is honestly a milestone I won't forget and is one of my biggest fuck-you's to cancer I've ever made.

I have a scan soon, so I'll be sure to post what the results are.

 

[Ond]

I did it.

3 years after setting my personal distance record, I just broke it today; it took over two hours of walking, but I did it.

Jesus christ I can't explain how good this feels; to know that I did better than what I did last time, that's immeasurably valuable and I'm convinced that I'm just as capable as I was back then.

This is honestly a milestone I won't forget and is one of my biggest fuck-you's to cancer I've ever made.

I have a scan soon, so I'll be sure to post what the results are.

How long bubba

 

[Deleted member 38]

How long bubba

How long until the scan you mean?

If so; the scan itself is on the 30th (two days after my birthday kms) but I won't get the results until the 4th of next month.

 

[Ond]

How long until the scan you mean?

If so; the scan itself is on the 30th (two days after my birthday kms) but I won't get the results until the 4th of next month.

Distance record is what I meant x

 

[Deleted member 38]

Distance record is what I meant x

OH. 12km.