NOT an impulser impreove meme!
i don't care if this is gmod community some of u are cool
please go to school tomorrow learning is important :)
excpet dont cus corona u catch it :(
nearly every night it seems i feel a swatch of depression run thru my entire body like fast-acting poison essentially, consuming the entirety of my system uncontrollably
- I don't enjoy this feeling evidently and unlike most people it seems i have no true strategy of dealing with such a feeling swatching over me. really it's deal with it until something cheers me up
it's somewhat like a light switch i cant control. its like a toggle essentially, i cant even process it right but whatever , but i have trouble switching out of a bad mood. It seems a bit like i'm always NOT in such a bad mood but surprisingly It's kinda easy for me to get in a slight funk! it happens a lot to me over seeming insignificant things ( funny i know
but anxiety sure sucks dont it. i feel anxious a lot as everyone else does. it feels everyone is thinking differently completely from what they say, they say "man that's cool" or "man it's nothing dont worry about it" but deep down it will always and will constantly feel like they think "i dont give a shit" or "you fucking idiot" or Something a little bleaker than the facade of reassurance.
i appreciate bluntness as much as it may hurt. it quells the anxiety majorly. if someone is blunt you know that's what they actually believe with no sugar-coating- but there's definitely a reason that people mask bluntness. when you're blunt, even you feel it. even you feel how rude it may be, how the other person is effected
just as the random toggling of depression, i have nothing against Said anxieties! i like to ,(attempt), to quell the thoughts of ulterior thoughts apposing what they said but it scratches at me, constantly. i can't just say, "oh man they probably meant what they said" to myself because what feels like the truth always sways back like a rope.
i know they probably mean what they say but...................... they probably dont, i cant control people's minds, and if they truly had an ulterior motive behind their words they wouldn't say so if i asked, would they? it's undisprovable, i cant blackquell it from my head like i wish. even though i have shitty memory issues it seems i CAN'T forget stuff like that.
it takes quite a while to forget something i don't like. it always steps up, reminding me of a terrible mistake i've made or one terrible thing i've said- if something i said made sense, if i made a good first impression, if i was too rude or too nice to someone
even if its been an our or more it taps me on the shoulder reminding me of the awfulness. at random moments from 9 years ago it taps me on the shoulder again to remind me yet again
i'm left with a constant reminder of my stakes, my flukes and flunks and a dreadful imposing doom that: YES, i will make mistakes again that, YES, will sneak up on me exactly how all the others do. unless i get the part of my brain that feels empathy or embarrassment or just general memory sliced out it'll never go away.
shit'll always sneak up and there's nothing i can do. i'll always think that someone means different from what they said and i'll never be able to think different. i'll always have this creeping feeling of uneasy depression swaying over head and it'll NEVER GO AWAY!!!!! i'll alway
sfeel like someone hates me, someone doesnt care, someone just wants me gone but can't say so, if someone had the chance i'd be gone in an instant; it'll never really change.
But - on a positive note
despite this i always try to stay a little optimistic. even if deep down inside i know optimism doesnt work i prefer to stay optimistic with a preference to being kind rather than Yknow rude.
To end this i will click on create thread
:)
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