so, recently i've been talking to a girl, well used to, we tried to go out twice, one night i got wasted before told her drunkenly i'm not going out, another something else came up. ever since then it's been quiet or just radio silence because the spark that was there was off. in the end she told me she liked me but she wanted me to meet her in real life, and i was hesitant of getting in the relationship, simply because i knew it'd be a problem since neither of us were mentally stable for such a commitment, so i chose not to pursue it, even though i wanted to. I believed it'd be a fix to the whole problem and in the end, it was not.
now that she's talking to other guys and it's visible she is i feel fucked because i didn't commit, because i kinda wanted to, and especially recently with another issue, i feel like i'm too much and too little at the same time.
i've been on a trip recently that really highlighted to me a problem of mine, an inferiority complex. I've always felt speaking to my friends who were better physically, mentally, that i could never get to that point. not really because oh i can't put in the work, but i've always made excuses about shit, which have been half true. Anyway back on topic. A girl who i thought was cool n shit, i decided that on that trip i'd chat with her and try to make something. A friend, a whatever, i don't care. I don't want a relationship with her however as she's in my class and that'd be a problem eventually, even though I plan to move out of the school I'm in if shit doesn't get better.
i'm a shut in guy, until I have a couple drinks, and then I become a lot more active, buzzed up by booze or whatever, but i get a lot more sociable and a lot more open, but speaking to her a bit, and getting shut out, i realized something about the whole thing. i didn't make a good impression, and i've always been open about my flaws, but, that's my problem. my flaws always stick out, and it makes me feel less, than lets say her, who for example we only see her being smart, chill and all that, but people see me as a shut in who barely speaks, who's loud at other times and a know-it-all. it doesn't help i almost dated one of her friends twice but because of other things it did not work out, so i feel like that really doesn't help showing me in a better light than the flaws i mentioned
and i dunno, i think I have an inferiority complex, because I always look at people's work and shit and i go "wow, i wanna do that", start trying and realize I don't have what it takes, even though people have told me I do, or they told me stuff that makes me think i can do things. and then i fail, and then i think that the people i thought i could replicate in terms of quality, are a lot higher than me in skill, which in it of itself is fine but thinking that and then saying "oh i can't get there" is what makes me think I believe I'm inferior to people. Doesn't help a lot of the time i'm ignored by people, real life and online, like i'm an outsider in most things.
