Battling cancer; a deeper look into what it's like.

[Deleted member 38]

Man I really gotta share this, it's been rattling around in my head.

I'm not usually one for seeing quotes made by famous people and resonating with them; to me it just seems cheesy and unrealistic. But, I was watching a fucking Larry Lawton video of all things and I saw this picture in the background, of the Dalai Lama.

Basically, the Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him the most about humanity. He replied with;

"Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

And I just felt shocked. Despite having shit like that rattled around in my head before, I felt absolutely paralysed with the realisation it perfectly explained what I've been doing for the last few years.

I told my Mum and her and I had this massive discussion; we discussed how so many people find themselves in jobs that they work in for 20-30 years, full time, and never really find the chance to do something different. They never live. So many people reach the end of their lives with only 4-5 notable things that they did in their lives that they can ramble on about.

After this world trying to kill me, I don't want that to be the case.

I want to reach the end of my life having done so many different things with myself that I physically can't remember them all; I want to be sitting there at age 70-80 rambling about all the crazy shit I did and it's that desire that leads me back to the quote from the Dalai Lama; money isn't everything. It dictates fuck all. If I go through my life not earning a shitton of money but having worked heaps of different jobs that I enjoyed, then that's worth its weight in gold.

I originally ditched the idea of working in the field of cars. I thought it wouldn't be possible for me given my circumstances, but I did some more digging and I made a realisation; wrapping. TL;DR it's an alternative to painting; you get your car wrapped instead of painted and it's actually a pretty big business, not to mention that - for someone like me - it'd be an entryway into the car scene and it'd open opportunities up for me in the future.

I want to get to the end of my life knowing that I did as much as I could with it. That's the biggest fuck you that you could ever make to cancer, right there.

I'mma get that quote framed I think.

 

[Deleted member 38]

hello periodic subeh rambling episode 940

got some good stuff to put out and some mildly bad stuff to put out this time

starting on the good; in a week or so, I'm getting my license renewed and getting back to driving; yeah, driving - one of the things I utterly adore that cancer took from me, and I'm going to reclaim it. I can't express how amazing that is. Better yet; because I still have peripheral vision in my bad eye and my good eye is still perfect, it means I won't need any special classification of license and I can just drive normally. That's such a relief.

now, to get the bad out of the way; one thing you don't realise about cancer is how much it subsequently amplifies everything - you begin to look at things at a completely different way, view them a different way and love them a different way. It burdens you with truly understanding just how short (but long) life really is, and how every passing moment really is a moment you'll never get back; it makes decisions ten times harder, it makes you think about things - whether they're anxious thoughts or not - that others wouldn't typically think about, which can be good if used correctly but that isn't always easy.

i'm looking forward to life, i really am; it might have been delayed by a few years, but i'm so happy i'm finally gonna get the chance to take what i rightfully should've had so long ago. It just sucks ass knowing that, in the process, i'm going to have to make some extremely tough decisions - even after already having made all the ones i've already made. sometimes i feel like fucking RKO'ing the world because it dares impose another hard decision on me despite those ones i've already had to make; like, fuck sake, i've already dealt with this shit and now it's making me deal with other things.

i'm looking forward to this year and by the end of 2021 i'll have surpassed a threshold that cancer denied me surpassing the first time and that's so valuable to me. i'm glad to have all of you here to be alongside me while i do it, too.

love you all.

 

[Deleted member 38]

grandma's got cancer

skin cancer of some form, originated from a spot on her leg. they dunno how far it's spread yet, they need to do another skin graft to get more details and from there they'll move onto other tests like blood tests and scans.

the type is fairly aggressive by the sounds of it

fuck sake man

 

[maxi]

grandma's got cancer

skin cancer of some form, originated from a spot on her leg. they dunno how far it's spread yet, they need to do another skin graph to get more details and from there they'll move onto other tests like blood tests and scans.

the type is fairly aggressive by the sounds of it

fuck sake man

sorry to hear that gamer its never easy but im sure you'll power through like the champ you are and i really hope she can come out on top and beat this disease, it's a horrible thing especially when its someone super close to you

sucks to hear that though i really hope for the best

 

[Deleted member 38]

sorry to hear that gamer its never easy but im sure you'll power through like the champ you are and i really hope she can come out on top and beat this disease, it's a horrible thing especially when its someone super close to you

sucks to hear that though i really hope for the best

she's had breast cancer once already so she knows what she's in for

she might only be 4'9 and 81 but she's twice as strong as me; if anyone can bash cancer over the head with a club, it's her

 

[Trains]

she's had breast cancer once already so she knows what she's in for

she might only be 4'9 and 81 but she's twice as strong as me; if anyone can bash cancer over the head with a club, it's her

you’ve got this brother, and so does she

ever need anyone to rant to, i’m only a message away

best wishes, she’ll pull through x

 

[maxi]

she's had breast cancer once already so she knows what she's in for

she might only be 4'9 and 81 but she's twice as strong as me; if anyone can bash cancer over the head with a club, it's her

even with an old age everyone has a fighting chance and if she's beaten it before she can definitely do it again

i've had something similar so if you'd like insight or a chat idk (ik we dont talk much) shoot me a message

i've got all faith in her

 

[Deleted member 38]

gave my grandma a call, she isn't even worried lol

doesn't surprise me, i partly learned my ability to handle it from her so i'm not at all surprised that she's already this rock solid about it

if cancer thinks its gonna win then it's got another thing coming, it chose the wrong oompa-loompa to fuck with

 

[Deleted member 1381]

grandma's got cancer

skin cancer of some form, originated from a spot on her leg. they dunno how far it's spread yet, they need to do another skin graft to get more details and from there they'll move onto other tests like blood tests and scans.

the type is fairly aggressive by the sounds of it

fuck sake man

my grandma is 90 and got through bowel cancer last year. she can make it brother, best wishes

 

[Clokr]

So not only did today see the beginning of Alplands. But I also just got a call from my pops saying he’s finally 100% cancer free.

Just got the results and it indeed says he’s completely fucking beaten it. It hasn’t even hit me yet that he’s COMPLETELY FREE. He’s had NHL since before I was born and now it’s finally gone for good.

Time to break out the good shit

 

[Deleted member 930]

I don't know if my experience counts but still here we go.

When i was 9 months i was diagnosed with leukemia and spend much of my earlier life in a hospital to be more exact 6 years. My Father left me and my Mother to fend for ourselves. I don't remember much except for a few flashes such as my Room, Surgery where they put a needle through my vein and the hallway of the hospital.

I had also a Friend back then his name was "Berkan" but he didn't made it and i plan to visit his grave in Ankara this year or common years. My early Life was a Rollercoaster just that i was unsure when it would finally stop. Making Friends was hard especially trying to find a relationship with someone who can handle my emotional baggage. Lucky for me i still had my Family who took care of me in these trying times.

I still have anxieties to this day where i simply don't trust people from the start because i expect them to leave me as soon they get oppertunity. I go now to therapist and talk about my fears,problems and other things which plague me in my memories. I lost so much but i think i can still recover from this all in the hopes for brighter future because i don't want to live rest of my life in misery.

Sorry for my lack of english it isn't my first language so it's hard to put things in word what i feel in a language i don't speak so often.

I know i have being quite a shitposter in this Community but i honestly tried to fit more in which failed very hard.

 

[Trains]

So not only did today see the beginning of Alplands. But I also just got a call from my pops saying he’s finally 100% cancer free.

Just got the results and it indeed says he’s completely fucking beaten it. It hasn’t even hit me yet that he’s COMPLETELY FREE. He’s had NHL since before I was born and now it’s finally gone for good.

Time to break out the good shit

only just saw this lol

that’s amazing news my dude, i hope you’re enjoying alplands
you deserve a break

 

[Clokr]

only just saw this lol

that’s amazing news my dude, i hope you’re enjoying alplands
you deserve a break

It’s the reason why I was drunk the past couple days lmao

 

[Deleted member 38]

grandma's got cancer

skin cancer of some form, originated from a spot on her leg. they dunno how far it's spread yet, they need to do another skin graft to get more details and from there they'll move onto other tests like blood tests and scans.

the type is fairly aggressive by the sounds of it

fuck sake man

god i fucking hate general practitioners they're useless fucking cunts

it wasn't even cancer

GP was convinced the mark was cancerous, grandma went to a specialist

specialist was like "lol that isn't cancer it's fine" and she left

so not only is a GP capable of missing my cancer TWICE, they're also capable of telling my grandma she DOES have cancer when she doesn't

this GP was from the same place as the GP that misdiagnosed me too

absolutely fucking useless holy hell; my grandma just spent the entire week worried sick that she had cancer when she actually didn't

i mean dont get me wrong im grateful as fuck it was misdiagnosed but jesus i havent seen such a useless collection of GP's in my life

 

[Goopy]

a lot of self pity ahead, may scare subeh if youre worried about catching it twice idk, just felt the need to say this.


lost my mum to cancer when i was about 2, she beat it once but it came back around and nabbed her. when it came back around she refused treatment. didn't have much memories of her, obv, but the ones i do she always had cancer. kind of felt guilty like maybe my birth caused it to come back around for round 2: electric boogaloo, but that's being stupid. after she passed, my dad spiraled into depression, his health started to decline, but he still did his best to support me, still does, watched him be a lonely man for 15 years (he had a on off GF who was married so they never spent too much time together) putting up a facade that he was ok to help deal with my own problems. went into a lot of debt to keep me safe. i still beat myself up today over not having a mum, which is selfish, but there we go. not coming home to see my dad hugging my mum, or even having petty arguments, going on family trips, taking turns to pick me up from school, having a second parent to take pictures of me with the first parent, or even having that space missing in group pictures. it always helped to alienate me more so from those families in movies, and whenever a mother dies in film and TV, especially that of cancer (like dark) it always messes me up for a good while. i took an old ghost busters VHS case with me to canada, filled with pictures of her, most of them not having me in it. my dad also sent over a big picture collage of pictures with me, her, my dad and my brother together, and i have a stuffed bear with her voice pre-recorded in it, and i can't think about them for too long because it still hits me hard, seventeen years on.

at my dads second wedding, 15 years on, countless people who knew my mum better than i did said i looked a lot like my mum, which was weird, since the only memories of her are when i was two or younger, and whilst i remember some vividly, i know that i was too young to, so maybe they were just dreams, or my brain tricking me into thinking i spent meaningful time with her, even though my dad tells me they were real, and i cherish them so. memories of being at a jungle gym with my family, with my mum and dad sitting on the side lines in those white plastic chairs admist the red yellow and green play house walls. memories of being held at a carting and batting arena with her. memories of being in a science center with her. memories of being down at tenby, a holiday location that my dad still refuses to go to because its not the same, with her.

i had a dream of her passing when she passed, and according to my dad it lines up too, so that's a carrie moment. i used to think i would see her when i was passing by my dads room at night (when he was downstairs) in the mirror. his room used to be filled with her belongings, music boxes and little jade statues of elephants she used to collect, her wig for her chemo, her ceramic small figurines. the only current thing i have to resemble her is my bear filled with her voice, which i fear for when it loses her battery, 16 years on, or if i lost it in a fire, despite it being the second one i have.

im very emotional today, but im still tearing up thinking about her, thinking about what life i could have lived if she was still here. even if the voice in my bear tells me that she'll love me no matter what i do, i still wonder if shes looking down at me, smiling, or if she's scorning me. i regret using humour as a coping mechanism to deal with her death. having her die from cancer, her parents, and my dads dad dying from cancer, in some part of me, im scared i'll cause that same gap in someone else from the same cause.

the point is, her death messed me up. i have a lot of trauma, but its the top, its changed my life forever, and thats just me, thats not my brother, father, her brothers, her friends. cancer, death in general hurts a lot of people. again, im heavily tearing up over this, 17 years on, im still hurt from it, im not sure if i can or will recover. im not sure if there'll be a point in my life where i can type something like this out again without crying. it ruptures peoples lives.

so
even if i don't talk to you
thank you for beating it, really.


heres the bear, as tax

 

[Deleted member 38]

gettin another scan done tomorrow, MRI

ill get the results on the 5th of next month and i'll keep u all updated

fuckin hate doin this shit

 

[Deleted member 930]

gettin another scan done tomorrow, MRI

ill get the results on the 5th of next month and i'll keep u all updated

fuckin hate doin this shit

Alright take care man.

 

[Ond]

a lot of self pity ahead, may scare subeh if youre worried about catching it twice idk, just felt the need to say this.


lost my mum to cancer when i was about 2, she beat it once but it came back around and nabbed her. when it came back around she refused treatment. didn't have much memories of her, obv, but the ones i do she always had cancer. kind of felt guilty like maybe my birth caused it to come back around for round 2: electric boogaloo, but that's being stupid. after she passed, my dad spiraled into depression, his health started to decline, but he still did his best to support me, still does, watched him be a lonely man for 15 years (he had a on off GF who was married so they never spent too much time together) putting up a facade that he was ok to help deal with my own problems. went into a lot of debt to keep me safe. i still beat myself up today over not having a mum, which is selfish, but there we go. not coming home to see my dad hugging my mum, or even having petty arguments, going on family trips, taking turns to pick me up from school, having a second parent to take pictures of me with the first parent, or even having that space missing in group pictures. it always helped to alienate me more so from those families in movies, and whenever a mother dies in film and TV, especially that of cancer (like dark) it always messes me up for a good while. i took an old ghost busters VHS case with me to canada, filled with pictures of her, most of them not having me in it. my dad also sent over a big picture collage of pictures with me, her, my dad and my brother together, and i have a stuffed bear with her voice pre-recorded in it, and i can't think about them for too long because it still hits me hard, seventeen years on.

at my dads second wedding, 15 years on, countless people who knew my mum better than i did said i looked a lot like my mum, which was weird, since the only memories of her are when i was two or younger, and whilst i remember some vividly, i know that i was too young to, so maybe they were just dreams, or my brain tricking me into thinking i spent meaningful time with her, even though my dad tells me they were real, and i cherish them so. memories of being at a jungle gym with my family, with my mum and dad sitting on the side lines in those white plastic chairs admist the red yellow and green play house walls. memories of being held at a carting and batting arena with her. memories of being in a science center with her. memories of being down at tenby, a holiday location that my dad still refuses to go to because its not the same, with her.

i had a dream of her passing when she passed, and according to my dad it lines up too, so that's a carrie moment. i used to think i would see her when i was passing by my dads room at night (when he was downstairs) in the mirror. his room used to be filled with her belongings, music boxes and little jade statues of elephants she used to collect, her wig for her chemo, her ceramic small figurines. the only current thing i have to resemble her is my bear filled with her voice, which i fear for when it loses her battery, 16 years on, or if i lost it in a fire, despite it being the second one i have.

im very emotional today, but im still tearing up thinking about her, thinking about what life i could have lived if she was still here. even if the voice in my bear tells me that she'll love me no matter what i do, i still wonder if shes looking down at me, smiling, or if she's scorning me. i regret using humour as a coping mechanism to deal with her death. having her die from cancer, her parents, and my dads dad dying from cancer, in some part of me, im scared i'll cause that same gap in someone else from the same cause.

the point is, her death messed me up. i have a lot of trauma, but its the top, its changed my life forever, and thats just me, thats not my brother, father, her brothers, her friends. cancer, death in general hurts a lot of people. again, im heavily tearing up over this, 17 years on, im still hurt from it, im not sure if i can or will recover. im not sure if there'll be a point in my life where i can type something like this out again without crying. it ruptures peoples lives.

so
even if i don't talk to you
thank you for beating it, really.


heres the bear, as tax

damn

 

[Deleted member 38]

so i just found out that, after my results on the 5th, im having my portacath removed after it being in me for over a year

if anyone is unaware of what a portacath is; it's a little plastic thing that's put into your chest and it has a wire that leads into a main blood vessel of some sort, so that chemotherapy and other treatments can circulate your system quicker

it's surreal honestly. it's like i've fought a war and i'm finally laying down my rifle. i mean this thing was shoved in me when i was in hospital and ever since it's sort of felt like my weapon of choice. this thing was literally what i used to fight and it's almost sad to see it finally leave.

i think i might ask them if i can keep it actually. idk if they'll let me, but maybe they'll sterilise it and put it in something for me. it'd be nice to be able to put it up on a shelf and keep it with me after it did so much for me.

once it's out, though, that's like the final nail in the coffin; it's me admitting the fight's over and i've won.

i almost can't believe it.

 

[deathwolf]

so i just found out that, after my results on the 5th, im having my portacath removed after it being in me for over a year

if anyone is unaware of what a portacath is; it's a little plastic thing that's put into your chest and it has a wire that leads into a main blood vessel of some sort, so that chemotherapy and other treatments can circulate your system quicker

it's surreal honestly. it's like i've fought a war and i'm finally laying down my rifle. i mean this thing was shoved in me when i was in hospital and ever since it's sort of felt like my weapon of choice. this thing was literally what i used to fight and it's almost sad to see it finally leave.

i think i might ask them if i can keep it actually. idk if they'll let me, but maybe they'll sterilise it and put it in something for me. it'd be nice to be able to put it up on a shelf and keep it with me after it did so much for me.

once it's out, though, that's like the final nail in the coffin; it's me admitting the fight's over and i've won.

i almost can't believe it.

good shit my bro