I wrote a short story. would like opinions.

[steve maxwell]

So I just typed this up in less than an hour. I do have an ambition to become a writer, so opinions and criticisms would be good too.

In the Trees


“Onwards men! That blighted fox must be nearby!”

Lord Henwick knew his chase was coming to a close. His hounds baying for the taste of fox flesh. When it was over he would hoist the pelt all the way back to his home, Henwick hall. Henwick stirred his horse into a gallop. He would have the fox within the hour.


He had ridden for another kilometer before he realised his fellow riders had vanished.

By that time, Henwick was deep within the forest. The brambles rose around him. Henwick brought his horse to a stop and looked around.


“Where are you chaps? Crompton? Thistlethwaite? Charles?”


For the first time, a trickle of fear crept into Henwick’s heart. He was not much of a fan of the darkness, which was slowly creeping upon him as the evening came. His horse whinnied and nickered, which did not help his nerves. He dismounted the horse and looked around, seeking an exit. The moment he did so however, the horse galloped into the trees, somehow flitting through the brambles.Henwick stood there for a few moments, the terror setting in yet further.


He did not notice the horned man until he stepped into the bramble circle, a branch snapping indicating his arrival.


Henwick whipped around, his heart now in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, only managing inarticulate gurgles. The horned man was able to speak however, and he did,


“Now ape child, why do you chase a son of the woods?”


The Horned man’s voice was both young and old, almost treelike in its way. It perfectly suited the man’s appearance, both ancient and youthful at the same time. Atop his head was a crown that almost appeared to look like a deer’s pelt, though it was formed of grass and straw. The pelt draped all around the man’s body, covering him except for his face.


Henwick had found his voice again, “Wh- who are you? What are you?!” he choked out.


“I created the trees themselves ape child. I created all natural things. I am Cernunnos. And now, for your crime ape child, you shall become like these woods.”


The horned man raised his right hand and closed it in a fist. The fist glowed slightly.


Henwick had found his nerve entirely. His hand went to his scabbard, and he withdrew his sword. He attempted to walk forward, but found he could not. His legs had turned to wood. His body had turned to wood. Henwick tried to scream, but he could not.


Cernunnos turned, and walked away into the brambles, leaving only a circle of brambles in the woods. In the middle of this circle was a lone oak tree in the vague shape of a man...

​

 

[steve maxwell]

if there is something you think I can improve, do elaborate here.

 

['77 East]

So I just typed this up in less than an hour. I do have an ambition to become a writer, so opinions and criticisms would be good too.

Going to be a little blunt with this given it's late but you do have potential here. For the record, don't bold/underline text on an Xenoforo forum, it looks nasty.

“Onwards men! That blighted fox must be nearby!”

Onwards could use a comma after it.

Lord Henwick knew his chase was coming to a close. His hounds baying for the taste of fox flesh. When it was over he would hoist the pelt all the way back to his home, Henwick hall. Henwick stirred his horse into a gallop. He would have the fox within the hour.

Needs more urgency with 'baying for the taste' replaced with something more gruesome.

He had ridden for another kilometer before he realised his fellow riders had vanished.

By that time, Henwick was deep within the forest. The brambles rose around him. Henwick brought his horse to a stop and looked around.

'looked around' seems rather plain. go with 'stole a series of worried glances' or something of the like.

“Where are you chaps? Crompton? Thistlethwaite? Charles?”

Might be wise to add more action between the names, derives more fear that way.

For the first time, a trickle of fear crept into Henwick’s heart. He was not much of a fan of the darkness, which was slowly creeping upon him as the evening came. His horse whinnied and nickered, which did not help his nerves. He dismounted the horse and looked around, seeking an exit. The moment he did so however, the horse galloped into the trees, somehow flitting through the brambles.Henwick stood there for a few moments, the terror setting in yet further.

Instead of telling us about the darkness and what Henwick is doing, show it. Utilize action and conveyance.​

He did not notice the horned man until he stepped into the bramble circle, a branch snapping indicating his arrival.

More telling instead of showing.

Henwick whipped around, his heart now in his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, only managing inarticulate gurgles. The horned man was able to speak however, and he did,

Again, more telling instead of action. Something better in the second sentence would be:
"His mouth gurgled a gutter y quarrel, but fell flat with inarticulate pleas."

“Now ape child, why do you chase a son of the woods?”

Better phrasing would be good. ape-child, 'a son of these hallowed woods', etc. Flesh it out more too.

The Horned man’s voice was both young and old, almost treelike in its way. It perfectly suited the man’s appearance, both ancient and youthful at the same time. Atop his head was a crown that almost appeared to look like a deer’s pelt, though it was formed of grass and straw. The pelt draped all around the man’s body, covering him except for his face.

More telling instead of showing. The best way to do this is to emphasize the features instead of going 'his head etc', so on.

Henwick had found his voice again, “Wh- who are you? What are you?!” he choked out.

​

“I created the trees themselves ape child. I created all natural things. I am Cernunnos. And now, for your crime ape child, you shall become like these woods.”​

Some lines of Henwick's panic between the dialogue would be neat.

The horned man raised his right hand and closed it in a fist. The fist glowed slightly.


Henwick had found his nerve entirely. His hand went to his scabbard, and he withdrew his sword. He attempted to walk forward, but found he could not. His legs had turned to wood. His body had turned to wood. Henwick tried to scream, but he could not.


Cernunnos turned, and walked away into the brambles, leaving only a circle of brambles in the woods. In the middle of this circle was a lone oak tree in the vague shape of a man...

Already said my issues with the previous examples, but again more telling over showing. Mind you given it's late I've probably missed a bunch of things. Might want to seek advice from someone like @Omni too.​

 

[steve maxwell]

Going to be a little blunt with this given it's late but you do have potential here. For the record, don't bold/underline text on an Xenoforo forum, it looks nasty.

Onwards could use a comma after it.



Needs more urgency with 'baying for the tast' replaced with something more gruesome.



'looked around' seems rather plain. go with 'stole a series of worried glances' or something of the like.



Might be wise to add more action between the names, derives more fear that way.



Instead of telling us about the darkness and what Henwick is doing, show it. Utilize action and conveyance.​

More telling instead of showing.



Again, more telling instead of action. Something better in the second sentence would be:
"His mouth gurgled a gutter y quarrel, but fell flat with inarticulate pleas."



Better phrasing would be good. ape-child, 'a son of these hallowed woods', etc. Flesh it out more too.



More telling instead of showing. The best way to do this is to emphasize the features instead of going 'his head etc', so on.




Some lines of Henwick's panic between the dialogue would be neat.



Already said my issues with the previous examples, but again more telling over showing. Mind you given it's late I've probably missed a bunch of things. Might want to seek advice from someone like @Omni too.​

Sure. but this was a pretty good critique as well.

 

[Chopchop]

The story certainly has an interesting premise. However, it depends on how short you want the short story to be. I've just come out of a round of GCSEs one of which was English Language. In this exam one section was on writing a short story. It typically had to be roughly 3 A4 pages long and cover a key event as yours does. Unfortunately I burnt all my notes the first chance I got. Nonetheless stories typically followed a set structure of;

• Introduction: Set the background and premise for the story
• Build-up: Lead up to the event, what happens 2/3 minutes before
• Event: Describe the event in slow motion, focus on each of the senses. What can you see? What does it feel like? What does it smell like (perhaps not relevant in this case?) etc.
• Post-event: What are the immediate effects of the event? How do others react to the event?
• Conclusion: What has happened as a result from the event in, say 10 years.

For example. In your example those categories would be:

• Lord Henwick goes horse riding
• Loses his companions
• Getting turned to wood, how does Henwick react? What does it feel like?
• How does the wizard guy react, how do birds react etc.
• Henwick standing as a member of the forest for years to come.

The idea was that you would elaborate on each section as much as possible, go into as much detail as you could. You probably want to write a couple of hundred words for each point.

You've used some language techniques, such as oxymorons, nicely. Speech has also been included which is a major plus although perhaps used too much for the amount of description. You want there to be little speech compared to a lot of description. When we were being taught to prepare for the exam the academy taught us to focus on real events or things that could have happened in real life. While this is not necessary it was recommended because it is difficult to imagine how your fictional world would react or how fictional characters would react much more than real ones. This also happens to be the recommendation, or at least the experience of, Margaret Atwood who is an author with a Masterclass.

Honestly though, it's up to you. But I hope my advice helps you write some amazing stories, make sure you post them here for people to read! :D

 

[steve maxwell]

The story certainly has an interesting premise. However, it depends on how short you want the short story to be. I've just come out of a round of GCSEs one of which was English Language. In this exam one section was on writing a short story. It typically had to be roughly 3 A4 pages long and cover a key event as yours does. Unfortunately I burnt all my notes the first chance I got. Nonetheless stories typically followed a set structure of;

• Introduction: Set the background and premise for the story
• Build-up: Lead up to the event, what happens 2/3 minutes before
• Event: Describe the event in slow motion, focus on each of the senses. What can you see? What does it feel like? What does it smell like (perhaps not relevant in this case?) etc.
• Post-event: What are the immediate effects of the event? How do others react to the event?
• Conclusion: What has happened as a result from the event in, say 10 years.

For example. In your example those categories would be:

• Lord Henwick goes horse riding
• Loses his companions
• Getting turned to wood, how does Henwick react? What does it feel like?
• How does the wizard guy react, how do birds react etc.
• Henwick standing as a member of the forest for years to come.

The idea was that you would elaborate on each section as much as possible, go into as much detail as you could. You probably want to write a couple of hundred words for each point.

You've used some language techniques, such as oxymorons, nicely. Speech has also been included which is a major plus although perhaps used too much for the amount of description. You want there to be little speech compared to a lot of description. When we were being taught to prepare for the exam the academy taught us to focus on real events or things that could have happened in real life. While this is not necessary it was recommended because it is difficult to imagine how your fictional world would react or how fictional characters would react much more than real ones. This also happens to be the recommendation, or at least the experience of, Margaret Atwood who is an author with a Masterclass.

Honestly though, it's up to you. But I hope my advice helps you write some amazing stories, make sure you post them here for people to read! :smiley:

wow. I shall take this into mind. thank you. and I've actually watched Atwood's Masterclass. Might do it again.

 

[Chopchop]

wow. I shall take this into mind. thank you. and I've actually watched Atwood's Masterclass. Might do it again.

I would love to watch most of the masterclasses but they're so expensive!

 

[steve maxwell]

I would love to watch most of the masterclasses but they're so expensive!

quite true. though there is a way to pay for them all for a year. can't remember the price though

 

[Chopchop]

quite true. though there is a way to pay for them all for a year. can't remember the price though

£100s