i'm just angry. every single day i'm just angry, working out doesnt solve it and neither does talking. Im afraid of talking because i dont want to come off angry even though i am seething 24/7.
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Serious Medical/Mental Illness. Or a general well being thread
- Thread starter Clokr
- Start date
For the first time in a long while I've started looking at life positively again, have a plan for the future and am exited for what's to come.
Let's rise and prosper gamers, we all gotta make it
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Clokr
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Fucking snapped again tonight
Can’t sleep, brain and random ticks and spasms won’t allow me
Psychosis keeping me from knowing what’s real
Friends won’t listen, I’ve called like everyone and no one answers
Want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs and break everything
More psychosis and PTSD episodes daily
Want to cry and can’t
Touch starved for years, think I’m slowly dying
Nightmares every night, slowly getting worse and worse
Can’t do anything, brain will not permit me to physically do anything
Just want to shrivel up and turn into a ball of nothing, hoping I’ll just be forgotten
Can’t sleep, brain and random ticks and spasms won’t allow me
Psychosis keeping me from knowing what’s real
Friends won’t listen, I’ve called like everyone and no one answers
Want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs and break everything
More psychosis and PTSD episodes daily
Want to cry and can’t
Touch starved for years, think I’m slowly dying
Nightmares every night, slowly getting worse and worse
Can’t do anything, brain will not permit me to physically do anything
Just want to shrivel up and turn into a ball of nothing, hoping I’ll just be forgotten
The Milkman
Proton
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Clokr
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Got shot down again today harder then a prize buck in the fall. Still sorta feel like shit cause I’ve been talkin to em for like nearly two years now.
At least I’m chilling tomorrow with a few cans. Maybe I’ll get over it then
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GenericPlayer
i like firetruck and moster truck
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Got shot down again today harder then a prize buck in the fall. Still sorta feel like shit cause I’ve been talkin to em for like nearly two years now.
At least I’m chilling tomorrow with a few cans. Maybe I’ll get over it then
rough stuff fam, you'll be aight though
also nice VSR camo bro
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i’ve had a two week holiday, and had homework to do over it, i said i would do it all in the second week
every day this week, i’ve sat down, and my mind just goes blank for an hour before i give up.
i have 24 hours to do a shit ton of work
i’ve had diahreha for 48 hours
but hey my birthdays two days after lockdown starts that’s fun :grinning:
every day this week, i’ve sat down, and my mind just goes blank for an hour before i give up.
i have 24 hours to do a shit ton of work
i’ve had diahreha for 48 hours
but hey my birthdays two days after lockdown starts that’s fun :grinning:
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Clokr
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Aye. It does feel refreshing to be able to think more about myself for once. Cause I’ve got a thing for putting people first over me and I tend to forget to even look after myself.
And cheers. The Afghanka is amazing at this time up north.. just don’t do anything more then a bit of work cause you’ll be burnin up to high hell
I feel that way too much man. I have diarrhea ALOT. And I tend to procrastinate a lot too... But happy early birthday bro!
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jus one more fing
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Some of you may've noticed that I've been on a break since October 9th.
In the span of that week, I managed to get myself blacklisted and removed from 2 factions that I've spent a great deal of effort and time into. Bluntly, I have a problem when it comes to roleplay in the fact that I put far too much dedication into characters, as well as allowing my OOC person to influence many IC decisions. I care far too much about the roleplay as for me, it acts as some sort of escapism where I can simply be someone else yet in actuality it's just a variation of myself put in a different world, with different responsibilities and a different 'character'. I'm telling you this because it should help you understand why I took that break.
From the blacklist (which, and I'm not denying this, was entirely of my own idiocy and doing), I went into quite a poor mental state. I just lost 2 things that I spent a lot of effort in - one being a position I held for months in a faction that I've tried to be enthusiastic for, and the other a faction that I've idolised and looked up towards for several years even being apart of it for a large event - and it was entirely my own fault. It's weird to make comparisons to actual real-life things because you just get the people who say 'it's just roleplay don't take it so seriously' without taking a moment to consider that maybe it's taken so seriously because of an unhealthy and difficult addiction towards a form of escapism. If I compared it to drugs, some people may go 'drugs are real don't overreact', but the 'withdrawal' of sorts seriously did hurt my psyche for a small time.
I know in the long run it doesn't actually matter because all this is, is code and pixels on a screen for a mod of a game released 16 years ago on a single server, but right now things like this do matter. They're the present, and if you don't think about the present then the future will never come.
In the span of that week, I managed to get myself blacklisted and removed from 2 factions that I've spent a great deal of effort and time into. Bluntly, I have a problem when it comes to roleplay in the fact that I put far too much dedication into characters, as well as allowing my OOC person to influence many IC decisions. I care far too much about the roleplay as for me, it acts as some sort of escapism where I can simply be someone else yet in actuality it's just a variation of myself put in a different world, with different responsibilities and a different 'character'. I'm telling you this because it should help you understand why I took that break.
From the blacklist (which, and I'm not denying this, was entirely of my own idiocy and doing), I went into quite a poor mental state. I just lost 2 things that I spent a lot of effort in - one being a position I held for months in a faction that I've tried to be enthusiastic for, and the other a faction that I've idolised and looked up towards for several years even being apart of it for a large event - and it was entirely my own fault. It's weird to make comparisons to actual real-life things because you just get the people who say 'it's just roleplay don't take it so seriously' without taking a moment to consider that maybe it's taken so seriously because of an unhealthy and difficult addiction towards a form of escapism. If I compared it to drugs, some people may go 'drugs are real don't overreact', but the 'withdrawal' of sorts seriously did hurt my psyche for a small time.
I know in the long run it doesn't actually matter because all this is, is code and pixels on a screen for a mod of a game released 16 years ago on a single server, but right now things like this do matter. They're the present, and if you don't think about the present then the future will never come.
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Clokr
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One year ago to this date, I lost a life long childhood friend to heroin. Someone I had known and been close friends with since kindergarten. Someone who I never expected to lose to the substances.
They grabbed ahold of me once. But I was lucky to break free. Sadly they managed to take down someone very close to me without me realizing.
I still think about you everyday Park. And I will continue to think about you everyday until I finally decide to croak as well. Thanks for all the good memories too. I may forget a lot of them but I’ll still hold onto them as best I can. I hope you’re sleeping well now, enjoy it. Well all carry on for you now. We love you Parker.
If you, or anyone you know are currently on anything, or doing anything normally they wouldn’t do. Please talk to them, please get them help, please don’t let them go out like my friend did. I couldn’t even stay for his service because my PTSD hurt too much. Don’t let this happen to anyone else if you can do anything, please.
They grabbed ahold of me once. But I was lucky to break free. Sadly they managed to take down someone very close to me without me realizing.
I still think about you everyday Park. And I will continue to think about you everyday until I finally decide to croak as well. Thanks for all the good memories too. I may forget a lot of them but I’ll still hold onto them as best I can. I hope you’re sleeping well now, enjoy it. Well all carry on for you now. We love you Parker.
If you, or anyone you know are currently on anything, or doing anything normally they wouldn’t do. Please talk to them, please get them help, please don’t let them go out like my friend did. I couldn’t even stay for his service because my PTSD hurt too much. Don’t let this happen to anyone else if you can do anything, please.
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im not exactly sure what happened to me but i feel insanely ill, like im either about to pass out or just fucking die i usually feel pretty sick but from today and tomorrow it got to a point where im hallucinating from how painful this is and i cant just stare at something for too long without my eyes hurting and my vision going blurry; now i feel a weird pain in my chest. this sucks. i can barley type anymore im so fuckin dizy. god.
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update, if it matters
i feel a little better, still got a headache but im not as dizzy and certainly not as ill. thanks for all the kind wishes, if the symptoms come back i promise to take myself to le doctor.
Take care!,
Yurrie
i feel a little better, still got a headache but im not as dizzy and certainly not as ill. thanks for all the kind wishes, if the symptoms come back i promise to take myself to le doctor.
Take care!,
Yurrie
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Postal
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Sil
jus one more fing
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Checking in again
Currently feeling weird, confusing thoughts regarding people. Do you ever have those opinions that you want to say, or at least get across, yet at the end of the day you're happy for no change to happen for them to take place? Like, you saying your opinion is merely just to state it but you're not going to go out of your way to protest and perform activism to instil those changes? I guess I should provide an example.
To not get wildly political, this'll be a small minute opinion. I believe that Pineapple is Okay on a Pizza. However, I do not want people to put Pineapples on Every Pizza, nor do I want people to put Pineapple on their Pizza because I said I feel it's okay. Some may infer that I think Pineapple should always be on Pizza, and that by having Pineapples on Pizza that the Pizza is made better. Or, others may infer that I hate Pizzas that don't have Pineapple on them, for not having Pineapple on them. In actuality, what I said is bluntly what I feel, and there aren't any underlying thoughts to accompany it. Yet unfortunately, some people will actively try to infer thoughts to accompany it for their own reasons, and then when they say adamantly that they think that I'm being unfair or offensive by thinking the way that I do by using their inferred thoughts as hard evidence, I am unable to adequately defend my point as they will still try and say that I am in-fact wrong and evil and offensive for it. And, when I get so tired at trying to defend my point to them that I feel incapable, I will merely try to pass it off as if I agree with them and that I'm just showing the opinions of the opposition or that I was misinformed and that I concede.
Replace the metaphor with a majority of topics, both serious and minor, and at the end of the day that's what seems to be happening with me and some people. People who, merely a few weeks prior, had been close friends with. The fact that despite investing so much time and effort into a friendship, that they'd rather toss it away over things like this, hurts me deeply. Yet, I still feel like it's wrong to feel hurt by their actions as in my head, it says that I caused this upon myself, these are the consequences, deal with it.
Have any of you felt similar ways, or know others who have? Do any of you know of ways to deal with it?
I'm going to be getting counselling soon regarding it as well as a wealth of other issues, but it helps me learn to see how others have dealt with it so that I may find ways that work for me.
Currently feeling weird, confusing thoughts regarding people. Do you ever have those opinions that you want to say, or at least get across, yet at the end of the day you're happy for no change to happen for them to take place? Like, you saying your opinion is merely just to state it but you're not going to go out of your way to protest and perform activism to instil those changes? I guess I should provide an example.
To not get wildly political, this'll be a small minute opinion. I believe that Pineapple is Okay on a Pizza. However, I do not want people to put Pineapples on Every Pizza, nor do I want people to put Pineapple on their Pizza because I said I feel it's okay. Some may infer that I think Pineapple should always be on Pizza, and that by having Pineapples on Pizza that the Pizza is made better. Or, others may infer that I hate Pizzas that don't have Pineapple on them, for not having Pineapple on them. In actuality, what I said is bluntly what I feel, and there aren't any underlying thoughts to accompany it. Yet unfortunately, some people will actively try to infer thoughts to accompany it for their own reasons, and then when they say adamantly that they think that I'm being unfair or offensive by thinking the way that I do by using their inferred thoughts as hard evidence, I am unable to adequately defend my point as they will still try and say that I am in-fact wrong and evil and offensive for it. And, when I get so tired at trying to defend my point to them that I feel incapable, I will merely try to pass it off as if I agree with them and that I'm just showing the opinions of the opposition or that I was misinformed and that I concede.
Replace the metaphor with a majority of topics, both serious and minor, and at the end of the day that's what seems to be happening with me and some people. People who, merely a few weeks prior, had been close friends with. The fact that despite investing so much time and effort into a friendship, that they'd rather toss it away over things like this, hurts me deeply. Yet, I still feel like it's wrong to feel hurt by their actions as in my head, it says that I caused this upon myself, these are the consequences, deal with it.
Have any of you felt similar ways, or know others who have? Do any of you know of ways to deal with it?
I'm going to be getting counselling soon regarding it as well as a wealth of other issues, but it helps me learn to see how others have dealt with it so that I may find ways that work for me.