Hi, it's been a while since I've posted here, things have gotten worse although I'd say I'm still fine
I think that my minds actually starting to melt down or something
It's getting harder and harder to do anything. This past week I've almost missed my morning bus every day cause I couldn't be bothered to drag my ass out of bed until the last possible second. I've been putting off all my work (and I actually quit the editing side job I was doing), in fact im like a week behind a deadline for a project I need to finish to graduate, and unlike the internal panic I'd usually feel in similar situations its sort of best described as apathy. Same thing with school in general, was a pretty good student during the first half of this year and its slowly been degrading since, I've fucked up my grades in a few subjects that I worked pretty hard to attain, and like I said I've been putting off almost all of my work, and again it isnt the panic, sadness or anger I'd usually feel but just kinda apathy.
might just be getting older, i've seen people hold apathy over stuff they were pretty much over in life
usually happens for people with school, and since they're younger it extends to other things they do
hit a point after getting into the high school i wanted to i stopped trying entirely from year one, pretty much just did what was expected but no homework
A few days ago I made a pretty big online order and the company fucked it up, instead of getting angry I again couldn't really care even though a bunch of money I'd saved up for years was on the line, I mean I got it after talking with support but even typing this out I'm not really angry, just kinda apathetic to the whole situation.
also me
I'm not saying this to be thought of as a "cool dude" like "aw man look at him he's so cool he doesn't care woaah", in fact its pretty fucking worrying to me cause I'm kinda afraid that I'll ruin my life and regret it
big thing here is that you realize you feel it, it's the same as realizing you're in the loop of short dopamine rushes
realizing it means you can throw it off to the side when you feel it
biggest thing to avoid is playing games when you're supposed to work or shaving off the feeling by testing making changes in your life and sticking with what works
i took on a regular exercise routine and quickly realized how much better my aim was in a videogame and how much calmer i was/able to enjoy things more, and all i started doing was laps up and down my residential street at night (daytime can really tear your stamina apart)
also get regular sunlight, that apathy goes away really quick when you get the recommended fifteen or take supplements. i'm far older though so you still have to deal with the developing brain part
Don't know if it applies to anyone else but I feel as though who I am is truest to me on this forum, at least in closeness to my internal dialogue (if that makes sense). I wonder why, it's probably the anonymity, since nobody knows who I actually am (at least I hope). And I'm kinda glad that you don't, since I like that nobody has to respond, or care like people do in real life, you can just sort of scream into the abyss here, and I don't want anyone to care, again sometimes you just kinda need to do that. I definitely couldn't talk about any of this shit to anyone in real life, I'd freeze up.
Speaking of which, was talking to a friend a few days ago, they kinda noticed something was going up and prodded, even though I wanted to talk about it I just couldn't, I guess it kinda ties in to the last paragraph, I don't really want people to worry or care about me, I know people have got their own shit to worry about so I don't wanna burden them with my crap, on the contrary though I love listening to other peoples problems and helping them, it's weird.
To again tie into my last paragraph, they kinda ghosted me, said we'd talk the day after and they never bothered, maybe I could've said what I wanted to, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows, but it still kinda stings that they didn't. Although that's a theme that I've begun to notice more and more. Don't know if anyone shares this experience, but does nobody ever talk to you if you don't initiate? If I didn't start talking with anyone I bet I could go a month without hearing anything from anyone, in fact I've been doing that since a few days ago and have gotten nothing from anyone. I've done it a few times unintentionally when I get sucked into something specific and then snap out of that hyper-focus in a few days and realize that wow, has nobody even thought of me?
Speaking of that friend, they've kinda ditched me and our friend group (that's practically been dead for a while). They're interested in a guy and it's been going well and I'm happy for them but at the same time its like we don't exist anymore, they straight up said last week that they don't really wanna hang out with us. It stung, but I appreciate the honesty though I guess lmao. For reference I'd consider them my closest friend, weirdly enough I was opening up more to them, the most I've done with anyone probably but it feels like after the last time we hung out its just sort of faded into nothing
biggest issue with the information age is the flow of time can feel distorted to a lot of people in terms of how long it's been since you've spoken with someone, it really doubles up on the human brain especially if your primary form of socialization is the internet
colour me a bad person for saying it, but since you're a guy, you have the ability to just drop into conversations with friends and take off like it hasn't been x amount of days/months - i've twice before met people playing games, made friends, and stopped speaking with them on a regular basis for upwards of months at a time only to rejoin the voice chat and continue like nothing's changed.
the feeling you have, the anxiety, the minor paranoia is because you're likely afraid of being rejected or them ignoring you, but you should work on it over time. eventually you can work it over and hit the point where you feel it and shake it off yourself. gotta build that confidence.
also barely anyone talks to me without an initiation but i'm really not worried about it because i can still hold a conversation well and speak with people, that's the important part
and don't feel too shamed if someone you knew ghosts you, sometimes people aren't long-term friends. it stinks but it happens
The thing is though the only constant in all my relationships with everyone has been me, so the problem has to be with me right?
chuckled at this, the constant in all your relationships is YOU because they're YOUR relationships, sexy
I had pretty horrible social skills pre-covid (which, seeing as I have over 10k messages on a roleplaying forum isn't a surprise to many) but covid's practically destroyed them, even if I wanted to make some new friends I don't know how
It really fucks with you, it sucks. It melts your fucking brain, it makes you paranoid, you begin to wonder if you're acting properly, if its what you say or think, or how you look, or what you're interested in, its tiring, its exhausting. I consider myself a pretty fucking normal dude but I've got to be doing something wrong, and for years, I for some fucking reason cannot figure out why.
It's not that I'm not self-aware, I'd say I am, like I know I'm not the most "normal" person but I'm definitely not socially inept to not be able to pick up on social cues or be unable to hold a conversation. But it still fucks with you, its maddening, it shoves you back into that loop of "or am I? Am I really that weird and inept? I can't be if I think I am, or am I?"
luckily you live in the age where it's ridiculously easy to work on these skills, anonymously or not
despite all its memes VRchat is pretty solid for just walking into a room and joining someone in a five-minute conversation, it's stupid but it works. definitely had some solid times on it just going to bar rooms or the usual high-pop spots and just fiddling around with people.
DarkRP is also the ever-permanent option, as absolutely stupid as it sounds. There's no replacement for it, and i doubt vrchat will hold a candle to it.
of course, both require the effort of still finding things - and even then, not every room will have conversation peoples. that's why i like to call people sexy to break the ice, or just outright do some things that would make zuckerberg very not happy to the people using those leathered-up anime avatars
Looking back through this post I realize that I am in fact, very lonely, I don't think I've ever had anyone that wants to hang out with me one on one, or decides to call me up or randomly text me to tell me something they're excited about, or to just talk. Anyone that I'd consider to be a best friend or some shit, it's all practically just been acquaintances or distant friends, unless its someone obligated to talk to me through ties, like a family member.
Even if I have good days at times when I walk home for those few minutes where I'm alone with my thoughts with nothing to occupy them, I genuinely feel anger or like screaming (frustration I guess is the word) for some fucking reason, sometimes its better, sometimes its worse, but it always happens.
probably time to make one, however the frustration/anger can come from a lot of places, especially at your age
it ain't easy, because finding a genuine good friend always takes a while. even in the modern day, how many times do people add people as friends only to never, ever play with them again? 14 years on steam and i still have friends added i made in 2009 i haven't spoken with
finding a friend's always a difficult task, and it really isn't a replacement to surround yourself with stuff like acquaintances to fill the void. can't offer much help in the ways of finding one, as i don't know you well enough or the area you live in.
I think I'm self-aware enough, but with posts like these there's always that feeling deep down of "oh you're doing this for attention, or for pity" and it fucks with you on another degree cause it makes it harder to post these, and then you cringe the day after and every time someone replies to it, and I hope I didn't come off as some edgy dumbass or loser or some shit
anyways that's it, I don't even know what I was trying to say and it's probably all word salad
tasty salad
also a regular way to feel when you talk about oneself, it's not at all uncommon to feel like you're stealing the limelight to just talk about yourself or the problems you face
also, self-awareness is incredibly important to life, you'll figure out how to dial it back so you don't overthink stuff as you get older. it's what separates you from the npc's you might deal with in life.
anyways check out this image
